I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Found the puke drawer
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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