Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
