He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
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I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
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This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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