Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
