Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He passed out mid-signature
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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