Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
