people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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