Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
