You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
