awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
