He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
