I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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