i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
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you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
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Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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