I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
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Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
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You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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