And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
