i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
