He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
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We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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