I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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