I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
