worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
