I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
