My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
i need to put some appletini on your dick
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
