I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
