I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
