eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
