I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
