So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
