we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
