Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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