It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
