nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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