I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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