Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
