You're a womanizer and a bitch.
my phone needs a breathalizer
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
