Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
