counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
