i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
