we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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