I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
