i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
