i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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