Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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