I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I need moral support for this bender
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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