just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
