Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
