so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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