I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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