I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
So squirting runs in the family.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
