Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
