Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
