uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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