I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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