We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
