Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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