I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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