highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
