I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
